The Labrador Retriever - an alternative breed
standard.
General Appearance
Not too fussy about appearance. Perfectly happy covered in mud.
Not too fussed about bringing home an aroma from something
rolled in either. Quite prepared to stand and allow owner to
wash dirt off and understands the importance of getting dry by
getting rid of excess water with a good shake... usually when
standing beside owner.
Characteristics
Agile, adaptable and devoted to the cause. Has never lost its
ability to hunt for food and shows all these characteristics to
demonstrate the fact.
Temperament
Very intelligent and kind. Not aggressive or shy. Uses these
qualities when conning food off people or when done something
wrong and due a bollocking.
Skull
Houses a computer-like brain. Solves problems in split seconds,
can switch from one application to another in nano seconds and
has plenty excess capacity for personal projects.
Eyes
Can see a crumb under a chair at the opposite end of an unit
room.
Ears
When used in conjunction with eyes, nothing is missed. Ears can
detect a sweet being unwrapped in a pocket 3 rooms away, with
every door closed. Can be switched on and off at will.
Nose
Unbelievably effective. No limit to the distance food can be
detected. Can also detect foul smelling objects and substances
in which to roll, up to 3 fields away. Can cause acute
embarrassment when shoved into the crotch of visitors.
Mouth
Pre-programmed to pick things up in its mouth and walk away with
them, it will need reprogramming to get it to carry them to the
handler. New models (called puppies) come fitted with a
temporary set of needles. No chair or table leg is safe,
particularly with ones left on their own .- both furniture and
puppies.
Neck
Strong and powerful enough to drag anything attached to a collar
and lead.
Forequarters
The part seen just before it launches itself to show how pleased
it is to see you.
Body
Very solid construction. Can easily dislodge large objects which
have foolishly been left in its path. Also very efficient at
bringing down standing human objects, especially when clattering
into the back of the legs.
Hindquarters
The part most often seen by the owner who can't be bothered to
train the dog.
Tail
Unfortunately fitted to the Labrador at coffee table height and
with one wag can clear every cup (especially when full) and
anything else not nailed to the table.
Movement
Usually in a straight line, with a purpose, so it tends to be
thinking more about that than where it's going. Advisable to
nail valuables down.
Coat
Has a waterproof undercoat which it needs because it does not
walk around water, whether it be puddle or stream. No too fussy
about the consistency or aroma either.
Colour
Black, chocolate and yellow - depending on your choice, you may
have to re-organise your decor.
Size
Big enough to crash into anything.
Faults
None whatsoever.
Email:
leila@doublellfarm.com
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